All posts for the month July, 2012

Confessions of a fat girl

Published July 28, 2012 by meganbiddle

April 20, 2004 I had the first gastric bypass at Columbus Regional Hospital.  Having been a fat girl all my life, I have no idea what it is to be skinny.  There is so much you have to convince a psychiatrist that you aren’t crazy (it isn’t difficult really) and there are classes and testing.  There is a sheet they give you to warn about all the complications of bariatric surgery, and most people will laugh it off, I did.  My highest weight was 303, and there is nothing else to call it but grossly fat!  It hurts and it is embarrassing.  After losing about 50 pounds I started going to the gym, and it quickly became an obsession for me.  If they were open, I was there. 

Gastric bypass isn’t something I advertise, because it is painful.  Mine was done as an open surgery because they weren’t doing laparoscopic versions at that time.  It is also emotionally painful.  Once a fat girl, always a fat girl.  You see the numbers decreasing and your clothes getting smaller, but when you look in the mirror, you see fat.  You always see fat.  Then the problem becomes the demons in your head. Self doubt. Years of low self esteem.  People walk past you and they no longer recognize you.  The other issue is when they do recognize you.  Well meaning people and their comments about wanting to know where the rest of you is.  Well meaning people who want to know if you have been sick.  Well meaning people who tell you look fantastic, now.  Spouses who don’t know what to do about the attention that you are now getting.  Jealousy.  You love and hate the attention all at the same time.  You have no idea who you are anymore, but the truth is that just below the surface you are the same person as you always were; a fat girl.

Me being me, eventually I stopped going to the gym because I was working so much and I picked up my self destructive habits again.  Before I know it, I have gained nearly 100 pounds back.  

Fast forward to May 2012, I decide I am sick of being the fat girl.  I just want to be me, whomever that is, and I am going to have to figure it out along the way.  So many people are asking me what I am doing to lose the weight.  I have not cut out carbs totally, but I have cut them in way down.  I don’t do well with counting calories or points.  I eat more things that are green.  When I feel like snacking, I eat frozen fruit.  I do allow myself one pop a day so I don’t go crazy.  I don’t eat out.  I fix my breakfast and lunch every night before work.  I have decided that I am important and I want to be there for my kids for a very long time (someone has to annoy the crap out of them).  I go to the gym at often as I can.  Most weeks it is at least three days.  I weigh in twice a week.  Today I hit a 20 pound weight loss.  I might have danced naked around the locker room, but I am okay with that.  I am going to win the head game this time, and this time I did it, not a surgery.  I will fight for every inch, every pound, and continue to post annoying status updates on facebook, because this time I believe I am worth it!    

So there you go folks, my fat chick confession.