Confessions of a Fat Girl

All posts in the Confessions of a Fat Girl category

Confessions of a Fat Girl…ENOUGH ALREADY!

Published September 4, 2012 by meganbiddle

THAT’S RIGHT, I AM TYPING IN SHOUTY CAPS!!! WHY? THANK YOU FOR ASKING. I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING HURT OVER NUMBERS ON THE STUPID SCALE! WE ARE MORE THAN WHAT THOSE NUMBERS ON THE SCALE SAY! WHY IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE SO IMPORTANT? HAVEN’T WE BE TOLD ALL OF OUR LIVES IT IS WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS? REALLY? DO YOU MEAN THAT AT ALL? BECAUSE THAT MAY BE WHAT YOU SAY, BUT IT ISN’T WHAT YOU MEAN! LOOK AT THOSE GIRLS ON TELEVISION, WHEN IS THE LAST TIME THEY TOUCHED, ATE, OR SMELLED A CARBOHYDRATE? AND THEY ARE THE ONES WE TEACH OUR DAUGHTERS IT IS OKAY TO WANT TO LOOK LIKE, ACT LIKE, OR THINK LIKE, WHEN REALLY WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. ALL WE KNOW IS THAT IF THEY DROP TEN POUNDS A MAGAZINE MAKES UP A MIRACLE DIET, AND SLAPS THEIR RETOUCHED PHOTO ON THE COVER FOR THE WORLD TO ENVY. DOES SHE EXERCISE CONSTANTLY? DOES SHE STARVE HERSELF? DOES SHE MAKE HERSELF VOMIT? DOES SHE RESTRICT HERSELF TO 1,000 CALORIES A DAY? LOOK AT THESE GIRLS! THEIR BOOBS AREN’T REAL, AND THEY NEED TO EAT A CHEESEBURGER! IS THAT WHAT WE WANT TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN? LET’S ALL BE FAKE?

Enough Already! I don’t care if you weigh 150 or 250, if you lose 20 pounds be proud of yourself! Tell the entire world so that they can be proud of you too! People, stop looking at those of us with extra weight that are trying hard to get it right so critically!! Surgery isn’t the answer for everyone, trust me I know. I am fairly certain that many of us “big girls” as some of you like to call us (don’t call me that, my name is Meg) have consumed far less calories than skinny girls today. We don’t sit around eating ice cream all day, nor do we only eat at buffets. I spent two hours in the gym today after going to class, and a funeral. What did you do except laugh at me?

I really hate it when people say, “You look like you have lost weight. How much have you lost? How much more do you have to go?” Can’t you just encourage me (and my friends too) and tell me I am doing a fantastic job. Please don’t be like some people and say, “I heard you lost weight, but I just don’t see it.” THAT IS NOT HELPFUL! I understand you can see the 20 pounds on the person that weighs 150 a whole lot easier than you can on the person that weighs 250, but remember, after that 20 is gone then they only weigh 230, and they have done something absolutely fantastic for themselves.

The bottom line is….IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING ENCOURAGING, AFFIRMING, AND HONEST (trust me I know if you lie) THEN DON’T OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

Confessions of a Fat Girl…Falling off the Wagon

Published September 3, 2012 by meganbiddle

Well, I knew it would happen sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later, like as in never. I sit here writing to you while eating Doritos and drinking a Cherry Coke. That’s right, emotional eating. Would you like to analyze it with me? Okay, here we go.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to teach an adult Sunday School class for the first time in my life. It was pretty cool; I enjoyed it. I didn’t vomit or cry, and no one fell asleep. I think it went okay. We had our church picnic tonight, and because of the rain we had move it indoors. So there I am trying to wrangle my three kids alone, again. Aubrey was in potty training mode tonight, and I kept having to take her to the bathroom so she could try to go. Jacob and Jillian were fighting as usual, and managed to knock over their lemonade.

Are you asking about the whereabouts of my husband? Well, that would be the reason I am currently drowning my sorrows in carbs. I have been a married, single parent for quite some time now, and I am tired of it. It would appear that I am the only adult in this relationship, and I am really tired of holding up something that fell apart so long ago.

Today I went to the gym and I had gained a pound and a half! Seriously!? What is going on with you, Biddle? Get your head out of your ass and do what you need to do; run like the crazy woman you are! You know what you are doing here, so quit moping about and do it! Step away from the junk, because you know it just makes you feel like crap anyway, and do what you need to do. FOCUS! Concentrate on your last year of school, loving your kids with all you have, and being true to yourself. Chin up, you’ve got this! Things will get better!

Confessions of a Fat Girl…Putting it All Together

Published August 29, 2012 by meganbiddle

Shakespeare was one pretty smart dude. “This above all: to thine own self be true.” Being authentic. Being real. Isn’t that what it is all really about? If all you have ever wanted all your life was for someone to love you, how are they ever going to do that if you don’t love you first? I’m not saying be conceited and think that you are the best thing since sliced bread. What I am saying is the first thing that we need to do is to figure out how to love ourselves.

I am on this journey of self discovery, trying to figure out the beautiful mess that I am. My conclusion is that we are all looking for a little validation. Okay, nothing earth shattering here, I am aware of that. However, if you have self-esteem issues it might be. I looked in the mirror today and said, “Not bad Biddle.” For me, that is big. When you have had a life time of thinking you weren’t worth it, it takes a long time to undo the damage you have done. So I start with what I have, awesome hair. Come on, admit it. I really do have awesome hair. I also have a beautiful smile, the ability to make you laugh until you cry, and empathy. I shouldn’t rely on someone else to provide my reassurance.

Next up, is tackling the demons. Come on, we all have them admit it. That is why we are having this conversation anyway. Sure, some of us may have more demons than the rest of us, but we are our own worst enemies. When we do something stupid, and kick ourselves over and over, and just can’t seem to let it go, who is it that does that? It’s us, right? I don’t need to point out my flaws to anyone. Why do I want to invite someone to make life more painful for me than it already is?

Today I stood in front of the mirror, and I lifted my shirt. Running down the center of my abdomen is a very long scar. I hate you gastric bypass scar. You are an ugly reminder of what I did to myself to try to be just like everyone else, to be “normal”. I hate you gastric bypass scar, because of you I have pernicious anemia. Sometimes, my iron and B-12 drop so low that I suffer confusion and memory loss, my hair falls out, and things in my life are fuzzy. I don’t have control then, and I don’t like it. That is why I write so much. I am constantly making so notes, so that when I forget things, I have somewhere to go back to try and jog my memory. Sometimes it works, and sometimes, not so much. I never wanted to be the poster child for gastric bypass, and I still don’t. I lied about having it done for a very long time, but I can’t really do that any more. One, I can’t remember the lies I told, so I probably would get caught. Two, the gastric bypass is part of why I am who I am today. Stupid scar, I love you because you probably saved my life, and because you are there, I am in the gym again. I will not fail myself this time.

Well Mr. Shakespeare, you are right. If I am not true to me, no one else is going to be.

Confessions of a Fat Girl…Underneath this awesome hair, I’m a hot mess!

Published August 27, 2012 by meganbiddle

Here is the thing ladies and gentlemen…once a fat girl, always a fat girl. Even when I was 125 pounds smaller, I still saw myself as a fat girl. Why? I guess because that is all I have ever known. I am taking the bathroom mirror pictures of myself on this weight loss journey of mine so that I can see where I have been. If I am honest with myself I can see some small differences, but that damn insecurity of mine just won’t let me celebrate. It isn’t something I want to be, fat or insecure that is, it just is.

Imagine your family buying you work out tapes and books. That’s right, Slimming Down and Growing Up and the Get in Shape Girl program, straight from those who are suppose to love you know matter who you are, what you look like, and what you do. Come on people! Do not buy a fat girl a gym membership or books on how to lose weight unless she herself asks you for them!!! Here is what will happen when you do; she will open her gift and thank you and tell you it is just what she wanted and needed and act as though it was the best gift on the planet, when in fact she is dying inside. Trust me on that, and all you want at that moment is to be invisible. We are programmed that we are supposed to be happy all the time. If you can’t be happy, well then you need to slap on a happy face, and fake it. Those are the rules. There is no place for a depressed fat chick in the room. She already has not been invited to the party, again. She has already been called a cow and a pig. People will love you when they get to know you, really? How about they never take the chance to get to know you, because they have already made up their mind on how they feel about you based upon how you look. Deny it all you want, but I do not lie about this stuff!

I continue to battle myself daily. Some days I win, and other days my personal demons do, and that is okay. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I get the chance to try it again. Tomorrow I get the chance to get it right this time, and that is what I am going to continue to do with myself. I am going to continue to live my tomorrows until I run out of them, and maybe one day I will finally get my tomorrow right.

Confessions of a Fat Girl…Today’s Lesson, Self-Esteem

Published August 24, 2012 by meganbiddle

Listen up!! This one is actually important. Please don’t let your daughters end up like me. I am serious about that. I am thirty-something and I still have self-esteem issues, and it sucks! I have two daughters, and I look at them, and I don’t want them to end up like me. I don’t want them to be unsure of themselves. I want them to be confident women. I don’t want them to look to other people for approval. I want them to be sure of the decisions they make in their lives. Sure, most people second guess themselves at some point in their lives, and that is fine, but don’t make every decision a difficult one. It really isn’t necessary, and quite frankly, it is exhausting.

If you grow up a fat girl, chances are you hear things like, “You have such a pretty face.” or “It’s what is on the inside that counts.” Well, let me just tell you this…A a person who was born fat, and has heard those statements more times than she ever cares to, if I ever hear you say those things to one of my children, I might punch you in the nose! Those are very unfair statements, not because of the words you say, but because of the words you don’t. You have such a pretty face…if you would lose some weight everyone would want you. You have such a pretty face…too bad you are so heavy that people can’t get to know the real you. You have such a pretty face…too bad it is missed because you are so fat. OR It’s what is on the inside that counts…but it what is on the outside that people notice. It’s what is on the inside that counts…some day someone will see the real you under there.

Now that you have read this far you are doing one of three things
a.) Tearing up because people said the same things to you
b.) Tearing up because you were one of those mean people who said such things to the fat kids
c.) Shaking you head because you don’t believe people actually said things like that (trust me, they did, they do, and family can be the worst ones, even if they think they mean well)

What do I want from you? Well that is the million dollar question, now isn’t it? Teach your children to respect others, but in order to do that, you are going to have to teach them how to respect themselves. Tell your daughters they are beautiful. Teach your sons how to treat a lady. Remember dads, your daughters are looking at YOU for direction. Are YOU acting like the kind of man you want your daughters to marry? If you aren’t then you need to make some changes, because chances are, she is going to marry someone just like you. Does that scare you? If it does, what do you need to change? Ladies, if you have issues with your self-esteem, then chances are your daughters are going to have issues too. Chin up ladies (and me). You are brave (yes, I am brave). You are strong (I am strong). Write them encouraging notes, I am writing myself encouraging notes lately. We are our own worst enemies, but we don’t have to stay that way!

Confessions of a fat girl….locker room chat

Published August 21, 2012 by meganbiddle

Well, I did not see this one coming. Monday….sweat, bike, run, add squats (but after the third day in a row I will admit I like them a lot) and weigh in day. So for the record, I am at minus 27 pounds. I am not sure the weight (pardon the pun) of what I am doing to my body has quite sunk in yet. I realize I have been serious about this for the last three months, which is far longer than my usual attention span, and really I can’t explain what the motivation is, but I keep going.

Back to my story. I enter the ladies locker room, all sweaty and gross (code for, excellent work out grasshopper) and I hear, “How did you beat me here today?” I look to my right and there is a woman that I have seen at the gym many times before but other then just saying hello, we have never held a conversation. Today, she is Chatty Cathy. She apparently just needs to cleanse her soul and just pours out her entire life story upon me while I stand in the locker room, a bit dumbfounded. Let me just say, this is not the first time something like this has happened to me. It happens quite frequently actually. I don’t know if there is something about me that people just trust, or what, but people tend to spill their guts around me. I don’t mind, except when I am sweaty in the locker room. At least I think I don’t mind. Does that mean something is wrong with me that I don’t seem to mind that complete strangers confess intimate details about their life to me. (Megan-ism here folks, life of the over-thinker….just go with it. It’s fine.)

So locker room girl, goes on to tell me about her boyfriend that she lives with, but only because he helps her with her homework and apparently college is quite difficult. She isn’t going to marry him, but she is going to stay with him at least one more year, because she isn’t sure she will make it through microbiology without him. Am I married? Would I ever consider divorce? When do you stop loving your spouse? She used to be anorexic! Apparently, locker room girl is now in my life for a reason.

Confessions of a Fat Girl…Sticks and Stones

Published August 16, 2012 by meganbiddle

If you are anything like me, at some point in your life, someone made fun of you, and your mom used the phrase “Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Sorry mom, I am calling your bluff on this one! Words hurt so much more. I am convinced that is the reason we have such an epidemic with suicide today and our young people. If you are an over-thinker (yes, I am sugar-coating it, my blog, my rules) as I am, those words stick with you. You don’t constantly think about them, but when you are having a bad day, or when the number on the scale doesn’t move, those little whispers come back with a vengeance, and the next thing you know you are standing with the freezer door open eating ice cream directly from the container (not that I would know from experience).

Words hurt, a lot. I am not confessing to be the nicest person on the planet by an stretch of the imagination. However, with the advent of social media I really think some times you say it best, when you say nothing at all. Look how out of hand and mean adults can get on facebook, now insert teenage hormones and drama, and you get a recipe for disaster.

So over-thinkers of the world, what is your brilliant solution? I could stop thinking, okay, perhaps not. I could tell myself every day how wonderful and fantastic I am and maybe at some point in my life I will actually believe myself; not likely. Since I have no solution, I will just continue to struggle with my insecurities.